Forever Hers

He was my friend
Best friend infact
I knew everything about him
And he could see through me perfectly
Everything except my heart
He knew everything about me
But he didn't know me
I could see how he yearned for her
How his eyes were glued onto her
When she was near
And he would ignore me
Pretend I didn't exist
Act as if I was invisible
All eyes on her
I just wanted to open his eyes
And show him that she didn't love him
At least not the way that I did
But he was blinded
Blinded by her beauty
A beautiful girl,she was
I hated admitting it to myself
But it was true
I hated my reflection
I hated what I saw
A face no one could love
A girl no one did love
I never let anyone see me cry
Not even once
It was all hidden by a smile
A broken smile
He had a beautiful smile
That sparkle in his eyes
Would shine when he smiled
She never saw that
And she probably never will
He wasn't anything special to her
But he was everything to me
He was my world
I couldn't wait until he would wake up
From this dream of his
And realize that she didn't love him
That I did
But we were just friends
Best friends
Nothing more than that
I'm not even sure if we will be
Best friends forever
Because right now
It seemed like he was
Forever hers

Gone

Forty-two days
Since that faithful day
And I could still remember every
Detail
Moment
Feeling
It was still clear in my head
As if it had recently happened
I was afraid that I would
Forget
But it was so painful to
Remember
This memory I had memorized for so long
It hurt so much to think about him
But I couldn't stop
I was lost
I was a different girl now
Different from the girl everyone once loved
Now I was
Empty
Lost
Gone
I never let a tear escape after that day
There was an empty space in my heart
And it belonged to him
But now he was gone
Forever
How can I live with a hole in my heart
He was my everything
But now my everything was
Gone
Now I was
Nothing
Why did he have to leave me here
Alone
Miserable
Waiting
I missed him so much
That fire in his soul
That would light up in his
Smile
Eyes
Kiss
Fate had snatched him away
But he was still imprinted onto my
Memories
Past
Soul
And nothing was going to change that
I flipped through my journal
To the page I had visited most
I could recite the entry in my head perfectly

"I stood paralyzed in shock
Trying to comprehend what was happening
Yesterday, I was in his arms
Safe
Warm
Happy
Today, I stood before his house
Set ablaze
Knowing thats somewhere in there
Derrick Foster
Was dying
I shed no tears
But my heart became cold and hollow
After that, I was never the same they say"

Happy New Year

Another year
Spent alone
Closer to death
Sweet salvation of death
I could hear the party going strong downstairs
Laughing
Talking
Joy
Nobody noticed I was gone
They never do
They never did
They never will
It was as if I was invisible
Am I?
Well it seemed like it
But nothing is as it seems
I was just another face in this
Cruel world
I'm just another name
That nobody bothers to memorize
A waste of space
And now another year was passing by
Happy New Year
New Year
A chance for a new beginning
A new beginning was
What I wanted
What I needed
Every year I promised myelf to
Change
Forget
Move on
But it's so hard
I never kept those promises
Why should I keep my promises if
No one else kept theirs
I could still hear his voice loud and clear
"I love you, forever and always,"
Another broken promise
Was he kidding?
Because it seemed like it
He didn't mean it at all
He said forever
And I believed in him
Such a
Stupid
Gullable
Naive
Girl I was
He only gave me a year
But it was the best year of my life
Only a year but he managed to
Break a heart
Steal a part of a soul
Destroy a girl
A girl that was once full of
Life
Happiness
Love
Now she was dead
Funny, that girl was
Me
But I was still alive
Why am I alive?
There's nothing to live for anymore
With all the emptiness
And nothing to fill it up
Living was pointless
I was already invisable
And nobody would
Notice
Miss
Care
If I died right now
At least I wouldn't suffer anymore
I looked at my clock
11:59 p.m.
One minute until the next decade
2010
I could hear the countdown begin
"10...9...8...7...
6...5...4...
3...2...1
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!"
Goodbye 2009
Welcome 2010, to my
Living hell

Fairytale

Lights
Colorful lights
Blinking brightly
Red
Blue
Green
Yellow
Casting shadows
Amongst the blankets of snow
Pure white snow
Carolers singing merrily
Around some Christmas trees
The Chistmas trees surrounded the park
Fully decorated
The watercolor skies
The twinkling stars
The vanilla full moon
The elegance of it all was
Overwhelming
He wrapped his arm around my waist
As I leaned against him
Walking down the trails of
Forest Hills Park
I hummed along with the carolers
"Silent night, holy night..."
Their voices faded away
As we walked to a swingset
Our swingset
We had been going here for
Years
All those memories
Beautiful Memories
At night we would walk here
And talk
For hours
Even back when we were just
Kids
We would come here to
Play
Hangout
Have fun
I sat down on a swing
My swing
It was starting to rust
All the writing I scratched on
Were still there
But there was a new one
It was a heart with
Wording written in sharpie inside it
"D+B Forever"
I glanced at Blake
He smiled his toothy smile
He slid onto the swing beside me
Softly pushing my swing
He looked angelic sitting next to me
Perfect
A dream
A fairytale
My knight in shining armour
Everything I could ever ask for
His long sandy hair that almost covered
His beautiful honey eyes
Soft
Yet so strong
With a fire burning in his
Soul
His pale skin seemed to
Glow
In the moonlight
I gazed into his eyes
There was something there
Something he was hiding
But he looked away before
I could inspect any further
He looked up
Mistletoe
It hung from the top of the swingset
I hadn't seen it there earlier
It was hard to miss
It was as if it
Magically
Appeared there
I returned my gaze to him
His face was dangerously close to mine
I stared intently into his
Warm mystical eyes
Before I could say a word
He leaned in and
Kissed me
I could feel myself
Catch my breath
Why would an angel like him
Want to be with a girl like me
There was nothing special about me
But he saw something in me
That I hope I will be able to see
I was always afraid that he would soon
Realize that I didn't belong with him
I, an ordinary girl
He, an angel
A dream
A fairytale
What was he doing with me
He could have any girl in the world
But he picked
Me
I was
Stupid
Clumsy
Imperfect
But he still claimed there was a
Fire
A fire somewhere in there
Ready to ignite and shine
I still couldn't see what he meant by that
He was a fairytale
And fairytales weren't
Real
He led me away from the swings
To a Christmas tree
He waved his arm
"This is a special tree,"
I raised my eyebrows
"And why is that?"
He smiled slyly and that
Sparkle in his eyes appeared
When the moon caught his eyes perfectly
"Tis because there is a gift under it,"
A little black box
He chuckled quietly as
I let escape a gasp
He knelt down
And placed my hand
Upon his
"Diane Marie Howards, will you marry me?"
My heart seemed to be caught in my throat
I looked into his eyes
Trying to read him
But I couldn't think
I wanted to scream
"Yes!"
But I couldn't speak
The diamond ring
It was the symbol of
Eternal love
It was so beautiful
Sparkly
Shiny
Pure
I realized I was trembling
Trembling with
Fear
Compassion
Love
Because a fairytale
My fairytale
Had finally become
Real
"Blake Timothy Wells, yes, yes I will,"

Liar

I leaned against my window sill
Taking another smoke
Gazing at the charcoal skies
Thinking
Remembering
Those three little words
"I love you,"
What a bunch of bullshit
How foolish I was to believe him
They sent chills up my spine
Those words
That used to mean everything to me
Coming out of his mouth
But now
They were empty
Nothingness
A waste of time
I remembered
That feeling I got
Those butterflies
The chills
The happiness
I had given him the ability
To break my heart
But I trusted him not to
I shouldn't have
I should've never let my guard down
But now it was too late
For second thoughts
Why had he told me
He loved me
Such a lie
A lie
I should've seen coming
But I didn't
I was blinded by
The happiness I felt
Love
Such a strong word
It tends to be misused
People think it makes them stronger
But the sad truth was
It made them weaker
It made me weaker
I awed at the moon in deep thought
The moon
The full moon
Milky white
Such a beautiful sight
His face
His eyes
His lips
I could visualize
Every detail so clearly in my mind
The scar on his cheek
The "battle scar" we had called it
I remembered
How I would count the colors in his eyes
Just to be close
Blue
Green
Grey
A mix
His lips
His kiss
I wasn't the only one
Who received that kiss
The cigarette fell out of my mouth
I clenched my jaw
As the memories whirred through my mind
That night
At what was supposedly
The party of the year
I had walked into a
Nightmare
One that would scar my memories
Forever
I had been
Cheated on
Lied to
Played
I couldn't bare thinking about it anymore
I took another cigarette from my pack
Another eleven minutes
Deducted from my life
Eleven minutes less of
Suffering
Misery
Pain
I knew one day
Death would soon greet me
But what I didn't know was
That one day was going to be
Today

Monster

Seventy-two hours
She had been up
She was awake and still going strong
Not showing any signs
That she was ready to crash
Crank
Glass
Crystal Meth
It felt good
She went through the highest extents
Just to get that feeling
The rush
The thrill
The high
But something had changed
She didn't get that high anymore
It was this sick feeling
Waves of
Nausea
Anxiety
Paranoia
Like everyone was against her
The whole world was
They all hated her
Was what she thought at least
Meth
The only thing she had left
She had pushed everyone away
She wanted to stop
She hated it
But she was a goner
She was addicted to it
A monster
A poison
A murderer
Her favorite way of
Letting the monster into her system was
Injection
She held the dirty needle
To her arm
And let the monster
Invade her veins
She felt that crazed feeling
The feeling
That made her feel
Like she could let go
Freedom
But she wasn't free
The monster
It possessed her
Body
Mind
Soul
She was ghostly
Able to live without a soul
It now belonged to the
Monster
She belonged to the
Monster
She was lost
The monster
Took away everything
Such a cruel, hell-bent monster
It all started by peer pressure
Now it had become an addiction
Torn her family apart
Taken her friends away
Contorted her life into
A living hell
MethIt was draining the life out of her
It wanted her to suffer
It wanted her to feel the pain
And now it was going to
Drag her to hell

Beautiful

Beautiful
That was all she wanted to be
But she didn't realize she was already
Beautiful
It became an obsession
All she wanted was to be
Happy
Loved
Beautiful
But when she looked in the mirror
She wanted to cry
All she could see was
Fat
Ugly
Loveless
So she stopped eating
She tried so hard to be
Pretty
Soon the scale
Told her if she was going to have
A good day
Or a bad day
It made her feel like
She was alone
And everyone had left her
She was not only hurting herself
But everyone that loved her
Ana
Was the only friend she had left
Best friend
True friend
Ana made her feel like she was
Alive
Strong
In control
But that was the exact opposite
Of what Ana truly was
Ana was a poison
A dream that could never die
But she didn't see that
She was blinded by Ana
Her skin was sallow
And she was emaciated
She got smaller
And smaller
Until her parents couldn't
Ignore it no longer
They forced her to get help
She went to a doctor
And was immediately diagnosed with
Anorexia
A disease
A sickness
She was kept at the hospital
And was fed through a feeding tube
Down her nose
Even at the hospital
She secretly began to
Binge and purge
She couldn't bare
Eating a real meal
Ana had taken over her
Mind
Body
Soul
After a couple of weeks
She was released
From the hospital
But she had to attend a physiatrist
After a few meetings
She easily convinced him
Her anorexic days were over
How simple it was
To deceive them
To hide the
Pain
Sorrow
Lies
Behind her smile
But it still showed in her eyes
All she wanted
Was to be
Beautiful
Why couldn't they accept that
One day
She decided to take a jog
She collapsed
And died of heart failure
She passed away at 15 years old
And weighed 76 lbs
But the worst part was
She died
Alone

In Her Dreams

Dreams
Broken dreams
Like stars scattered across the skies
Wet earth
It felt good under her bare feet
Flowers Meadows full of them
They surrounded her
She plucked one off the ground
White rose
Innocence
The sweet aroma
That wanders gently through the air
She stuck the rose in her hair
Humming to herself
It felt so joyful
So serene
So peaceful
She closed her eyes
Letting her other senses
Show their potential
Bells
Church bells
Deep in the background
But there was something else
Lurking in the air
A voice
A familiar voice
He was singing
A lullaby
Her lullaby
One that evolved around her
Even before she was born
Her eyelids flung open
The atmosphere had shifted
It was dark
She couldn't see
The happiness had been drained away
Raindrops
Tears shed from above
The singing had stopped
Replaced by laughing
A taunting laugh
A hideous laugh
She looked around at her surroundings
No one was there
But she could still hear the laughing
It was growing louder
Then it stopped
She stood silently
She was soaked
From the rain
But something was wrong
Her hair
It was wet
But there was a different texture to it
She touched the liquid
That was now pouring down her face
And onto her white gown
She smelt it
Blood
Did it belong to her
She felt no pain
Goosebumps erupted
To the surface of her pale skin
Bloodcurdling shrieks
Coming from no direction
Then she heard rustling
Ahead of her
She began to run
Madly into the darkness
Not knowing what was beyond her point
She could hear him
Running
As she chased him
Her heart pounded
And she was breathing heavily
She could hear his footsteps fade
It was too late He was far away by now
She collapsed hopelessly to the ground
She wanted to scream
To cry
To say "Come back,"
But she was too weak
Weak
Powerless
Pathetic
She sat alone
In the darkness
Then she noticed something
Out of the corner of her eye
Light
A small beam of light
It looked out of place
She stood up and walked toward it
The sky began to clear
The beam of light
Became a moon
A full moon
She stared curiously at this anomaly
He snuck up cautiously behind her
She felt his breath on her neck
As he began to sing again
That lullaby softly in her ear
He slipped his arms around her waist
She turned her head
To meet his eyes
Penetrating blue eyes
Like the ocean
The waves crashing
These eyes she had memorized for so long
That had been absent
For so many years
But now their gazes had been reunited
She quietly murmured to him
"I'm not dreaming anymore, am I,"
After what seemed like an eternity
He replied faintly
"No, no you're not,"

Set Her Free

Carol lay sprawled motionless on the floor
Crippled in pain
Breathing heavily
Face flushed red with fear
Salty tears leaking from the corners of her deep blue eyes
Black and blue bruises etched on her pale skin
Her left leg broken
She lay silent in the dark listening
Footsteps
They were coming closer
Carol's heart quickened
As she thought to herself,
"Oh please let this end,"
Only one person knew she was abused
Steven
Her neighbor
Her friend
Her only friend
The only person that would talk to her
The only person that loved her
She could only see him at school
And late at night
Carol would talk to him through her window
How she always looked forward to seeing him
His sweet smile
His beautiful worried eyes
How he ran his fingers through his hair
He was always worried about her
From his room
He could hear her screaming
Her father cursing at her
As he beat her
Kicked her
Punched her
She was always trapped inside the hell she called home
Freedom
Was all she wanted
Steven wanted to help her
Tell someone
But Carol refused
Even though her father beat her
And her mother never spoke a word
She still loved them dearly
She wanted to protect them
Carol missed the old days
When her father and mother still loved her
And each other
What had changed this
The footsteps had reached to an end
Voices
Her mother's soft murmur drowned out
By her father's bellows
The door creaked open slowly
Light leaked in
Her mother walked cautiously over to her
She stroked Carol's thick blonde hair
That had hints of blood in it
Like she did when Carol was little
It always felt calming to her
Her mother bent down closer to her
And whispered quietly into her ear,
"I'm sorry,"
Carol froze
She slowly turned her gaze to her father
His face was bright red
And he was breathing heavily
She could smell the alcohol on his breath
But something else made her stomach lurch
In his tight grip
Was a large rusty wrench
She could feel the color drain from her face
As she thought to herself,
"No, not this. Please not this,"
Carol turned back to her mother for reassurance
But her back was turned against her
And she began to slowly walk out of the room
It felt like the atmosphere had shifted
She felt scared
Empty
Cold
Alone
Carol knew it was over
She could hear her mother crying silently in the background
Her drunk father began to walk over to her clumsily
"It's all your fault you little bitch! This is why our family is falling apart!"
His harsh words were all slurred together
She tried to drag herself away from him
But found herself trapped in a corner
Her father stood over her
She cowered in his large shadow
His cold dark eyes
His expressionless face
"Carol, you've been a very bad girl,"
He swung the wrench
A bloodcurdling crunch could be heard throughout the house
Carol's spine had snapped in halfSteven's window was open at the time
He heard it loud and clear
He hurried anxiously over to her house
To find Carol's father passed out beside Carol's petite frame
That was twisted at an awkward angle
"No. No. Please no. Not her. This can't be happening,"
He knelt down to her crumpled body
"Please Carol. I love you. Please don't leave me,"
He pleaded
As tears rolled down his cheeks
He cautiously lifted her into his arms
Carol slowly lifted her hand and rested it upon his
"Steven, I love you too. But now, I'm free,"
She passed away
Warm
Safe
Loved
In his arms

The Locket

A single tear rolled down her cheek
Her eyes blank
Her smile hollow
The locket
The one he had given her
It felt cool against her chest
She lifted it to her eyes
She could remember that night so clearly
The colorful lights flickering
The soft white snow
Snowflakes wafting
The dark watercolor skies
The shining moon hanging over them
How he had held her close
His face inches away from hers
She remembered feeling his breath against her neck
How it used to make her feel like she wasn't alone
He smiled at her as she lost her breathe
Falling into a tranceHe leaned in and kissed her
He pulled out a silver case
The locket
He wrapped it around her bare neck
As if it belonged there
She wore it everyday ever since
The best Christmas she ever had
She shivered at this memory
The dark memories entered her thoughts
That wretched night
He had left her for another girl
All those special moments
Meant nothing
He had left her for some slut
Without another thought
She stood there shaking
As he turned his back against her
And began to walk away
She wanted to burst out crying
But she didn't
She quietly whispered to him,
"Don't leave me,"
He didn't hear
She remembered how he would tell her,
"You shall never feel alone while I stand by your side."
But now he was gone
Those words meant nothing now
She stood at her bedroom window
Lost in her thoughts
Gazing into the skies
Trying to comfort herself
Nobody was there
She felt more alone than ever
She peered down at her locket
It felt heavy against her chest
She slowly removed it from her neck for the first time
She gazed intently at it
It didn't mean anything anymore
Just old memories
Once was a beauty like none other
Now darkness casted over
She let it slip through her fingers
And fall to the ground
Silly of her
To think love was real

Love is Dead

She sat there staring at the new wound she inflicted upon herself,
That stood out by far the most out of all the other gashes.
The blood gushed out and dripped down her arm staining her clothes.
Red.
Blood red.
Her favorite color.
She licked it.
It tasted bitter and plain.
Nothing anymore special.
Jani clutched the merciless blade that was tarnished with her blood in her other hand.
She felt pain.
But the source wasn't coming from her cuts.
It was her heart,
Or what was left of it.
She didn't like it.
It was excruciating just to think about it.
Her heart beats were gradually slowing.
Jani closed her eyes,
The memories blurred through her mind.
Green.
The color of his beautiful eyes.
They dazzled her,
How they had a sparkle that surfaced when he spoke to her
Hidden behind them was a mystery,
One Jani could never figure out.
Along with that expression glued on his face,
Made her wonder.Coral.
The color of his lips.
The sweet taste of his kiss.
Jani flinched at this thought.
How at midnight he would tap at her window and climb through.
How the bright moon stood over them,
That sparkle in his eyes would appear.
The way he swept her hair from her face and held her close.
When she cried, he held her tighter and whispered in her ear,
"It's okay."
Then the dark thoughts swept through Jani's mind.
That dark horrid night.
She stood there alone crippled in the darkness,
As he went off into the night on his own.
Leaving her.
She thought about the times how he would always tell her,
"I love you"
What a joke.
She sat there curled in the smallest position she could manage,
In the dark corner of her room.
The memories were still strong.
Her heart beat was fading away.
Jani looked down at the razor grasped in her left hand that still trickled with her blood.


The next morning Jani's mother found her lifeless body crumpled on the floor
With a message smeared on the wall with her blood,
"Love is Dead"